WWhomever I lent my spine to can I get it back please?

I am having a hard time with confidence (actually it has tanked) and I want to get over it.

Brenna!

So Brenna joins our herd of 5 in fall of 2005. The following spring she is 3 years old and goes to 60 days of training as a spoiled little brat. She had been in the pasture with the old man (Blue Boy) who continue to socialize, and create civilized member of farm society! He did a great job by the way, it was me that spoiled her not him!

She came home and my goal was to ride this green broke 3 year old on the trails for the summer, getting some miles and butt time on her! We had a great time! I liked her so much better than Bailey who knew how to lose a rider! I was so glad that my friends were not right when they told me that I should not ride a baby, that I would regret it! She would be nuts and I would get hurt! My confidence was good, I really liked how she looked at things, not spooking but very aware! We even took her horse camping! We had a great summer (2008)!

Fall came and again life happened! My family rode less with the bad weather, and then my mom was hospitalized with pneumonia for over a week, I got sick with bronchitis as well and I did not ride Brenna for a month! One day in January I thought that after a whole month of not being ridden I would take Brenna out on the levy with the kids. It seemed like an okay idea but that was not the case! We made it through the brief ride, and I was very nervous! We were in the field almost to the paddocks when she went wiggy and I just fell off! Tipped over like a huge sack of potatoes (I have not to this point mentioned that I am not of the petite statured women), just fell off! Knocked the wind out of me, and my beautiful 16hh goof ball was running around being a dumby with the kids chasing after her so she wouldl not hurt herself! No I did not need a ride in an ambulance, but I think that my confidence is out in that grass somewhere and I need to go and dig it up! It hurts to fall anytime, but especially in your 40's! YIKES!

She went into training the very next week with our trainer. This has been a blessing as she now has a fabulous handle on her, however I am just terrified to ride her! She feels very amped up to me and has indeed inflicted the "big spook" on me again as she had done in the field that day. I just about get physically sick when I think about riding her. And now, I am afraid to even ride my husband's dead broke 20 year old gelding! He is spooky too! Trust is the issue, I do not know this horse well.

The Plan!
Ride Ride Ride! I went to a schooling show today as well as the girls and the trainer who rode my mare! I made it through 2 pleasure classes on Smokey who was only marginally a pleasure to ride, with out falling off, barfing my coffee up or making an utter fool of myself (to much anyway)! I met my goal for the day - to ride Dave's horse in 2 classes and not get sick or fall off! YAY!

More of the Plan!
Larissa (youngest daughter) is going to ride my mare for a while, she gains experience on a green broke horse and the mare gets some butt time. I HATE THE FACT THAT SINCE I AM SCARED I PUT MY DAUGHTER ON HER! Of course this is all at the approval of our amazing trainer and Larissa is ecstatic! She rode her in two classes today and of course did very well! Leanna took her in showmanship and took 2nd! I guess she will NOT go to waste this year! I will get back on, I will ride my horse or I will sell her for a horse that better suits my chicken heart! :)